The Appalling Ignorance of Kossacks about Al-Qaeda

We've had a series of "the insert scary adjective here ignorance of Kossacks about X" diaries today, so I feel I should call attention to something we're all overlooking: dem terrists!

I don't know why you all can't understand it.  These people want to kill us.  They hate us because we destroyed their countries because we have freedoms.  In this country, the people are free to speak freely in designated free speech zones, to practice their religion as they see fit as long as its not a non-Christian religion in the Senate chamber, and to read the free press which is owned by corporations who only care about the bottom line.  Freedom is on the march too ...

Tort reform will ensure that OB-GYNs will be free to practice their love on women.  Soon every zygote in America will be free to be born.  New laws and Supreme Court decisions will make women free to carry children without worrying about having them ripped from their wombs by evil libruls.  Did I talk about evil yet?  Al-Qaeda hates us because they're evil.  As in Axis of Evil.  Did I tell you how North Korea supports Al-Qaeda yet?  Well I will after we're through with Iran.

Al-Qaeda hates us because we have a Constitution.  That's right, this goddamned piece of paper is why they hate us.  This is one of the reasons that I'm gutting the blueprint of our two hundred and thirty year old republic fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here.  They might suicide bomb the Constitution if we had to fight them over here.  I would like that.

Al-Qaeda hates us because we believe in the true God.  Here in America (which is a Christian nation by the way) we understand that all paths to salvation are correct, as long as they lead through the one true Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Al-Qaeda has spread their twisted religion throughout the world.  They call it Islam.  They even have Islam-worshippers here in Amurika.  I assure you that the FBI is keeping tabs on them, so that Mommy and Suzie are save when they drive their SUV to the nearest mall on Saturdays.

Speaking of which, Al-Qaeda hates us cause we have cheap goods.  A lot of the things we take for granted in America just don't exist in the Middle East, such as dangerous cheap Chinese imports.  The terrorists hate us because when McDonalds sells Happy Meals in Afghanistan they don't have any toys.

Al-Qaeda also hates us because we have all these illegal immigrants here.  Dem Muslims are mad that geography made it so that they can only walk across borders to Israel or the Soviet Union.  That's why we have to build a fence on the border.  When we show the Muslims that we don't let any brown people in here, they won't be so ticked anymore.  It's going to be hard work though.

I think that Kossacks just don't understand how much Al-Qaeda hates us, how much they want to destroy us.  As the Pretzeldent of the United States of Amurika, I have to tell you that I'm lookin' out for ya.  That's why the NSA is tapping the links to this site's servers, and why the FBI has half the front page crew under surveillance.  Al-Qaeda could be anywhere.     They could have been in the Congress, which is why I shut it down.  Don't want anybody screaming jihad into the Congressional Record. They were probably in the gubbernmint too, which is why I am the gubbernmint now.  You're either with me, or against me, and I'm definitely with me.

Man that was hard work.